Team Therapy
by Lalicurr
Summary: As part of some law, outside of battle the Announcer has to have the team do therapy.
1. Chapter 1

The team was split into two. The first team consisted of Demoman, Medic, Soldier, Scout and Spy. The second team was Pyro, Heavy, Sniper and Engineer.

The first team was missing their therapist since today the therapy was being given by two therapists. Georgia, the other therapist was working with the latter team.

Soldier and Demoman were taking advantage of the missing therapist by talking about a song about running in the rain.  
"Yer, lad, and it's stupid because-"  
"Someone could hear that song and be like 'I'm gonna run in the rain'!"  
"Yer, and then fall into a hole!"  
"And die!"  
"Aye, lad. I never thought of that. It's a dangerous song, it is."

Medic stretched, looking up at the ceiling and then interjected.  
"I'm sorry, but vhy vould he fall down a hole!"  
"Because he's running in the rain!"  
"Vhy vould zhat increase zhe chances of him falling in a hole."  
"IT JUST WOULD," Soldier concluded as Ashleigh entered.

"Sorry I'm late," she said as Scout shook his head and clicked his tongue.  
Spy was looking in another direction. He was having an off day.  
Ashleigh placed the sheet of paper they'd work on, on the desk.  
"Okay, so we have to sort through this situation. The situation is, Mr Brown-"  
Scout laughed.  
"I'd always be giving him shit if I were his student. 'Mr Yellow', 'Mr Purple'."

Spy took a puff of his cigarette. And looked at the sheet. Ashleigh continued.  
"Mr Brown thinks Mary cheated on a test. Although she's cheated in the past, this time she did it on her own."  
The picture was an angry teacher talking to Mary, who was trying to defend herself. Nearby three people appeared to be conspiring.

"All right. Now, the first question is, 'What should Mary do?'"  
"Say 'fuck you'," Scout said, causing even Spy to laugh.  
Ashleigh sighed. She decided to start small.  
"Who's the teacher?"  
"Him," Spy said, pointing to a smiling conspiring male.  
Scout laughed.  
"Him," he said, pointing to the angry man.  
"And how do you know that?"  
"Because he's got a tie? I dunno."

Demoman took the sheet of paper. He started to draw rain.  
"And then Mary got mad and went running in the rain," he said.  
"And she went to McDonald's," Scout added.  
"No," said Soldier, "what's happening is, she-" he pointed to Mary- "was like 'I found a pube in my McNuggets."  
"Yeah," said Spy, getting out of his depressed slump, "and Mr Purple over here is like, 'I didn't put that pube in your McNuggets.'"  
"YES," said Demoman, "And she's like-" he mimicked her, putting his hands up and looking like he was also defending a case, "'Hey! I never said you did it! You're being pretty suspicious!'"

"And THEN she goes running in zhe rain!" Said Medic.  
"And she falls down a hole," Spy said, pointing.  
"And they bury her in McNuggets," Scout said.  
"And sprinkle a few pubes on top," Demoman finished.

"I am never eating McNuggets again," Ashleigh said, disgusted.  
Scout nodded at Demoman. Demoman nodded at Soldier. Soldier nodded at Scout. Medic nodded at Demoman. Spy took the cigarette out of his mouth.  
"Why zhe fuck are you all nodding?" 


	2. Chapter 2

The team knew something would be different as soon as they saw the chairs around the room.

"All right, today we're going to do an exercise," the therapist said as everyone seated themselves.  
"Now. Can anyone think of a time when they've been wronged?"  
A few hands shot up.

"Okay, now does anyone wished they'd handled the situation differently?"  
Only Medic's hand remained up.  
"Okay now Medic, how about you come up here."  
Medic stood with Ashleigh, who then took his seat.  
"Anyone want to join him him as the person who wronged him?"

After a while, Pyro's hand was raised. Ashleigh gestured and Pyro bounced up next to Medic.  
"Okay, now Medic. Tell us how this person wronged you." Medic licked his lips. "Vell I told her I loved her und she said nozhing back."  
A burst of laughter came from Spy.  
"Would never happen to me," he said, shaking his head and then Soldier hit him on the shoulder to shut him up.

"Now Medic: I want you to think of a way you would have liked to handle that situation." Medic bit his lip, thinking.  
"Okay."  
"Now let's re-enact that event, first as it actually happened."

"All right."  
Medic turned to Pyro.  
"I love you."  
Medic blinked. Pyro did nothing.

"All right, this time let's re-enact it but do it how you wish you had handled it."  
Medic nodded and then turned to Pyro.  
"I love you."  
Pyros' gas mask stared blankly back.  
"Oh. I'm sorry. I am part of a government agency and 'I love you' is the code for finding other government agency members. You are clearly not a member because the correct code back is 'I love you too, you German God. I would never simply say nothing back to someone saying I love you because that is what a cold-hearted bitch would do.' And now I am going to leave and you will never see me again."

Ashleigh nodded, entranced.  
"That's... Uh, well, that's interesting."  
She reached for a piece of paper, which she handed to Medic.  
"Now fill this out."  
Medic scratched his head and sat down, taking a pen. They were halfway through Engineer's turn when Medic interrupted.  
"Vhat if I don't know zhe answer?"  
Ashleigh blinked.  
"Well what's the question?" Medic looked down.

"'The name of the person who wronged you'."  
Scout raised an eyebrow, turning in his chair.  
"You loved her and didn't even know her name."  
"No... She was my mum."

This time everyone turned in surprise, watching as Medic mumbled quietly whilst filling out his form.  
"Name... 'Ma'. Possibly deceased."


	3. Chapter 3

Early in the morning, Ashleigh was busy talking to Miss Pauling as she walked through the sliding glass door.

"Okay! Today I was thinking we might do something fun. So, everyone grab a piece of paper-"  
"You're late," said Scout, doing his best impression of the woman when she scolded him.  
"Yes, sorry-" she started meekly.  
"Not good enough," he repeated from one of her own warnings.

The pale woman passed out pieces of coloured cards, red and purple, green and yellow.  
"We're going to get a piece of paper, pick an emotion and basically identify it."  
"I'm doing love," Spy said immediately, earning a concerned look from Scout.  
"Loneliness," said Sniper, and he looked away in a depressed fashion but nobody noticed.

"I'll do fear," said Engineer.  
"What's an emotion," asked Demoman, clearly drunk.  
"It's a-"  
"Am I an emotion?"  
"No."  
Demoman stared hard, making the person opposite him, Engineer, shift uncomfortably.  
"Is Engineer an-"  
"Okay. Soldier, Demoman's having trouble figuring out what an emotion is so can you work with him please."  
"Okay but only because I want to. I don't take orders from women."

"Hey no fair!"  
Scout turned to Pyro and started pulling urgently on his fire retardant suit.  
"Hey Mumbles! Be in a team with me!"  
Pyro shook his head determinedly.  
"Aw, he's so happy ta be workin' wit me that he can't believe it."

"I'll do happy," Medic said absent-mindedly, with his head in his hand.  
"HEY! WE'RE DOING HAPPINESS," Demoman shouted, still drunk.  
"We were," Soldier said under his breath quickly.  
"You can be on a team with them, Medic," the therapist resolved quickly.

"I'll do peaceful," Heavy said simply.  
"Me and Pyro ah doin' anger! And guys in teams should have team names!"  
"WE'RE TEAM AMERICA," Soldier announced.

Medic's eyebrows were raised.  
"But I'm German und Demoman's..."  
He looked at the drunk cyclops.  
"Irish or somezhing."  
Soldier shrugged. Scout's eyes were wide open.  
"And me and Mumbles are Team Totally Not Afraid Of Rainbows Because Spy Is And He Hides It By Saying Scout Is."

* * *

After everyone was done, Scout and Pyro would have gone first but the former was still scribbling.

"What did you do," the therapist asked Heavy.  
"Peacefulness," he said and held up his drawing of dead bodies.  
"I draw dead bodies because when I see them I feel peaceful."  
"Next," Ashleigh said as politely as she could manage.

Sniper held up an actually rather well drawn self portrait.  
"I drew myself because I'm always alone."  
Engineer quickly scribbled on a scrap of paper, a drawing of stick figure Announcer with a triangle dress, and glued it before slapping it on the drawing.  
"Announcer is lonely too! You can be friends with Announcer."  
Spy took his cigarette out of his mouth.  
"Really? We don't know zhat woman's name, zo we're just going to call her Announcer?"  
Engineer shrugged, dismissing the whole conversation.

"Scout and Pyro."  
"OH SHIT, THAT'S US."  
"Hmm hwnn," (calm down) Pyro said as he was still scribbling on the yellow sheet. Scout had to snatch it away from him.  
Ashleigh just raised her eyebrows. The sheet was covered in fire that Pyro had been drawing up until that point and a dog in a frog suit that Scout glued on.  
"Why is the dog... 'Angry'?"  
"Wouldn't being forced in a dog suit make you angry?"  
"I suppose so..."

"Us next!" Demoman declared.  
"What about me,l Engineer said sadly.  
"WHATEVER, ENGINEER." Demoman said and although he was drunk he still said what the rest of 'Team America' was thinking.  
"You chose FEAR. Like we don't ALL KNOW that you drew something to do with Spy sapping your sentry or dispenser."  
Engineer looked sadly at his drawing.  
"Yeah but-"  
"Aaaand back to us," Medic said giddily.

"Ours has a backstory to it," Soldier explained.  
"Because ve're awesome like zhat," Medic said meekly.  
They held up their sheet, which had Happy - Sadistic written on it.  
"So zhis guy here," Medic said, pointing to the stick figure doing starjumps, "he killed zhis guy-" he pointed to a stick figure on the ground in a pool of blood.  
"Vith a rock!"  
"Yeah," Soldier said. "And, and. He has bags under his eyes because he stayed up all night planning the murder."  
Demoman was too drunk to partake in telling anyone about the drawing.

As usual, Scout was first to talk.  
"What're those... Squiggles 'n his stomache?"  
"Ah," Medic said. "He hasn't taken very good care of himself so naturally over zhe years he's developed a few internal parasites."  
Medic and Soldier looked up at their therapist with toothy grins.  
"Uh... That's... Nice."

Spy cleared his throat.  
"Ah yes, Spy. Love, did you say you did?"  
Spy held up his drawing, a well-drawn picture of the Eiffel Tower with some words in French over it.  
"Very nice," Ashleigh said. "What does the French say though?"  
"It says, 'to love is an ability, not an emotion'."

Engineer wasn't convinced.  
"What does it really say?"  
Spy laughed.  
"It says Scout's mum is a moaner."

Amy sighed.  
"Spy, I hate to tell you this but we were going to have a camp starting next week. Just for taunting Scout, now you can't come."

"What? You mean I won't be able to go camping wizh zhe zhese fine gentlemen? Aw," he said in a disappointed tone, "zhat ees aweseem." 


	4. Chapter 4

Demoman, Medic, Engineer and Soldier were all sitting in the back of the van Miss Pauling was driving. Sniper looked over his shoulder as all previously mentioned were drawing on the face of the unconscious Scout. A slightly amused expression made its way onto Sniper's face. Miss Pauling looked over her shoulder and was horrified at the sight of unconscious Scout.  
"Wake him up!" She blurted out the first thing that came to her mind.  
Medic slapped Scout across the face.  
"It was only mild sedatives I injected him with," the German quickly explained before the younger one was fully awake.

He stretched, and then yawned.  
"Aw man, I feel like I've been sleepin' for ages!"  
He smiled at Miss Pauling. She was horrified, for as he tried to give a sexy smile, she saw a crudely drawn penis which Demoman had nicely added white-out to, to make it look like the penis was- you know. She couldn't let it go any further.  
"Scout, they've been drawing on your face."

* * *

After Scout had efficiently assured himself he'd scrubbed enough pen off his face, they made their way down to the place where they'd do their first camp teamwork exercise. Miss Pauling waved to the instructor.  
"I'm just gonna go grab a coffee. You'll be right to mind them."

The six all turned to her at once.  
"Can I come with you?"  
"I'll come grab a beer, too."  
"Be a dear and purchase me some cigarettes."  
"No! You all stay here!"

Sighing, they did as they were told and dragged themselves on down towards the instructor.  
"Good morning," he chimed.  
"What's so good about it," Scout said bitterly, scowling.  
"Okay! Here's the dilemma: Oompa Loompas are coming-"  
"BRING IT ON, I CAN TAKE THEM," barked Soldier viciously.  
"No it's-" started the instructor, named Darren, but he was cut off by Engineer.  
"You'll have to excuse Soldier. He's a bit slow."

Darren blinked.  
"Right. Anyway-"  
"Can you just get to the point," interjected Scout.  
"Faster you tell us, faster we can get this other with," agreed Sniper.  
Darren sighed. "Well you see the pole there?"  
The team collectively nodded.  
"And that panel?"  
They nodded again

"You must get it to you with stepping into the pit. Step into the pit, you die."  
"Okay," began Scout, as if he were beginning a master plan.  
"What about, I double-jump over there-"  
"Need I remind you this is an exercise in teamwork?"  
Demoman started speaking slowly.  
"What about... I pick Scout up... And THROW him at the rope?"  
Sniper clapped his hands and pointed at Demo.  
"Hey, that's good."  
He looked at Darren.  
"Is that it?" He simply shook his head.  
"Unlike some-"  
"DEMOMAN," Said Scout.  
Darren sighed.  
"You don't have to make a comment every time I say something,"  
"I agree," said Scout immediately.

* * *

_Eighty-six minutes later._

Darren sat by a tree, smoking a cigarette. He'd completely given up on the team.  
"Errth," shouted Demoman.  
"Vind," came from Medic.  
"Fiya!" Said Scout.  
"Water," Sniper.  
"Uhh..."  
"Just say it," shouted Scout.  
"Just say it," repeated Sniper, almost in a whisper.  
"Yeah," added Medic meekly. "You have to do it or else... Or else you're out ov our club und ve von't be your friends anymore."

"Well heck fellas," said Engineer, "it ain't that easy. The rest of ya'll got elements... Heart is like... A body part."  
"Just say it."  
Engineer nodded, distracted by something.  
"Heart!" Soldier came tip-toeing over as if he'd just been summoned by the rest of the team.

"With all your powers combined, I am CAPTAIN AMERICA!"  
Most people threw their hands up in defeat but Scout wouldn't let it go.  
"Yo Chucklehead, it's Captain PLANET, not AMERICA."  
"MAGGOT, DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT CAPTAIN PLANET LOOKS LIKE?! You'd probably RUN AWAY SCARED."  
Scout walked off after he'd kicked a tree stump. It just wasn't okay to make fun of his phobia like that.


	5. Chapter 5

As the sun went down, Miss Pauling and Sniper sat in two fold-out chairs. Pauling was facing in toward the tents and was sipping her coffee. Sniper was facing the lake and the field on the other side of said lake.

Sniper's eye left the page of his book and went to a tree in the field on the other side of the lake.

He couldn't tell what bird it was in this darkness, but his keen eye watched it just the same. The bird ruffled its feathers, stuck its head under its wing. Sniper reached for the huntsman under his chair, moving slow so not to startle it. Then he decided against it and went back to reading his Hannah Montana book.

Soldier was resting on the riverbank, arms crossed behind his head and helmet pulled down to his chin. Meanwhile Scout was sitting nearby and telling a story.  
"And he was like, 'No! Zhat would be your muzzer!' And he slammed down the folder he'd been holding and there were photos of my ma and the red Spy and I said, 'Hey Mister. Don't you dare talk about my mother.' And he was like, 'I'm sorry Scout-'"  
"Scout," Soldier said, lifting his helmet. "I was there and it didn't happen anything like that.

Just then Demoman skidded to a halt next to them. Scout raised an eyebrow.  
"Shouldn't you be cooking?"  
"Ah, ye. It's just about done, I think."

KA-BOOM!

"There we go."

* * *

Everyone sat around the fire, picking out the shrapnel of their food.  
"Sorry about the metal, everyone," Engineer apologised. "I was using the stove when Demo decided it would be faster to throw a grenade in there."  
"Well it got the job done didn't it?"

"I can't eat this," Scout complained.  
Soldier scoffed, his mouth bleeding from not picking out the pieces of oven from his food. Scout ignored him.  
"Someone should tell a scary story!"  
"All right," said Sniper, "This one's called the Medic."  
Everyone looked at Medic.  
"Vhat?"

_In the winter of 1944, with overtaxed supply lines in the Ardennes, a medic in the German army had completely run out of plasma, bandages and antiseptic. During one particularly bad round of mortar fire, his encampment was a bloodbath. Those who survived claimed to have heard, above the screams and barked commands of their Lieutenant, someone cackling with almost girlish glee._

_The medic had made his rounds during the fire, in almost complete darkness as he had so many times before, but never had he been this short on supplies. No matter. He would do his duty. He had always prided himself on his resourcefulness._

_The bombardment moved to other ends of the line, and most men dropped off to sleep in the dark, still hours of the morning—New Year's Day, 1945. The men awoke at first light with screams. They discovered that their bandages were not typical bandages at all, but hunks and strips of human flesh. Several men had been given fresh blood transfusions, yet there had been no blood supplies available. Each treated man was almost completely covered, head-to-toe, with the maroon stain of blood._

_The medic was found — sitting on an ammunition tin - staring off into space. When one man approached him, and tapped him on the shoulder, his tunic fell off to reveal that large patches of his skin, muscle, and sinew had been stripped from his torso and his body was almost completely dried of blood. In one hand was a scalpel, and in the other, a blood transfusion vial. None of the men treated for wounds that night, in that camp, saw the end of January 1945._

"Woah."  
Scout looked up at Medic, who was moving a bit of egg around his plate with the fork. When he noticed Scout looking at him, he mirrored the action.  
"Vhat?"  
"Would ya do that for us?"  
Medic snorted."No."


End file.
